Even crazier is that means Noah will be two 3 weeks after his appointment - where has that time gone? Not just the old cliche saying from where I'm sat.
Which brings me on nicely to Noah's birth.
At 7pm on 27th January 2010 my little bundle of independence arrived into this world. I so wish i could say what a completely wonderful and enjoyable experience it was.....(i hate myself for even saying these words) it really wasn't. Even to this day, my heart aches. What should have been a monumental, happy and wonderful experience for both of us turned out to be probably the most traumatic time for the both of us.
At 3pm on 27th January, i had a membrane sweep and my waters were broken to bring on labour due to my back waters breaking the day previously. Whilst it stimulated contractions, dilation just was not happening. On top of that, the hospital was on practical shut-down due to a norovirus and could only have one birthing partner and just one visitor after I had given birth. I kind of felt cheated by this, yet have no idea why. Two hours later, the midwives decided that , because of the lack of me dilating, they thought the best idea would be to induce me through an IV drip. I was given the choice of an epidural with a strong recommendation that I take it as the labour pains I would experience would be a lot stronger than "natural" sensations; BUT apparently I had time to decide whether I wanted one so opted to see how I got on and if it got too much I would have one.
BOY, how wrong was that decision?! The drip was started at 5.10pm. I can't really remember much after that up until I felt the sensation to push which, from what I have read, was at around 6.30pm. I think i was only around 8cm dilated at this time so not the ideal time to push! The next thing i remember is panic due to the amount of blood on the floor, no-one could fathom where it was/had come from (I had pulled my cannula out of my hand with all the thrashing around, hence the blood), Noah's heart-rate was dropping. There was a lot of panic from (what felt like) a lot of people....my mum...midwives...doctors etc. I was being told to push my baby out, I couldn't understand why I had to push when I didn't feel the urge to, what was the urgency.....I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!! As it turns out, both Noah and I went into distress, recipe for disaster. The midwives lost his heart-rate, I was on another planet from gas and air and my drip and the whole room panicked for about quarter of an hour.
At 7pm, after completing the hardest thing in my life, my baby boy arrived. This is going to be very hard for me to share as i haven't even told my family this (and if you're reading this please don't judge me for saying how i felt at the time, I beat myself up every day about it). I felt absolutely nothing for my little boy. Just numbness. No big rush of love, no feelings of amazement, nothing. Or what I felt was nothing at the time. Obviously fast-forwarding to today and it's a complete other story, he is my world, my everything, my reason for existence. But at that moment I felt numb and my whole world came crashing down.
As i type this, I have tears in my eyes. But they're tears of happiness as I look back and realise that, actually, i have loved him from the minute he was born but i just didn't recognise it!!
I doubt I will get a chance to post anything before Christmas so I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a jolly New Year!
